Attitude #2: Prepare for it to get worse before it gets better

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One of my friends preaches on occasion. If the verses he is preparing to speak about relate to gratitude, he will catch himself being ungrateful. If the verses are about loving your neighbor, he will face a situation that makes loving his neighbor very difficult.

It's like a spotlight shines in, and illuminates the opportunity for growth and change.

When my youngest was on the cusp of learning to speak, my husband pointed out that he whined all the time. I had not really noticed--with four older boys and the distractions of work and homeschooling, it was easy enough to simply meet the needs of the youngest and move on.

But once my husband demonstrated the specific, grating noise, I knew to listen for it. And, yes, my son made that horrible sound regularly.

This might happen to you. If you start to watch for bad attitudes, as well as bad behavior, realize that you might be overwhelmed initially. How did this crop of weeds grow up in your beautiful garden? Ack!

Do not grow discouraged (or at least, do not give in to discouragement!). Once you see the weeds, the right response is to pull them, not ignore them and pretend they don't exist. And if you have to weed a whole lot for a while, that's just what you have to do.

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Amy's pic

Amy Lykosh
John and Sarita's oldest daughter
Second-generation Sonlighter
Homeschooling mom to five

www.sonlight.com

P.S. You can do this! It is not the most fun part of parenting, but it is so worthwhile as you see your children start to respond.

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Attitude #1: How is your attitude?

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What is the saying? If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

Children are astonishingly perceptive. Have you ever noticed that the times that you are the most agitated—the times you’d really appreciate it if your children could just get along!—are the times that your children start to fight?

It’s frustrating! But it also makes sense. In many cases, your children mirror you. If you’re agitated, they’ll be agitated. If you’re happy, they’ll be happy. (This is true in my marriage, too. If I am grumpy, it’s hard for my husband to be upbeat in the face of my sourness.)

This is not to say that you need some ideal form of tranquility of mind and gladness of heart before you can deal with your children’s behavior. No. You are a person as well, and are free to experience the full range of emotions. Even if you are in a hard season yourself, know that you are still able to deal with your children’s behavior as soon as you notice it’s an issue. You are still able to adjust them, lead them, even if you don’t feel like you have it all together.

But do recognize that if your family is in a time of transition and stress, your children will probably act out more. If you’re grieving, your children probably will pick up on that, too. If you’re dissatisfied, expect some complaining from them.

And recognize that: if it’s hard, it might get harder. Then give that to God, ask for the attitude of Christ, and go forward in newness of life.

If you are in a season of peace, rejoice and be glad for the chance to enjoy one another.

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Amy's pic

Amy Lykosh
John and Sarita's oldest daughter
Second-generation Sonlighter
Homeschooling mom to five

www.sonlight.com

P.S. Please don’t underestimate the strain of things beyond your control. Loss of jobs, deaths in the family, depression . . . these are not small things. There is grace for you. You are not required to be “perfect” or perfectly together for your children. God will hold you together, even in the difficult seasons.

Do these seasons affect your children? Yes. But God is holding them together, too.

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Housekeeping #4: Have less stuff

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In our house, each child has a box in the IKEA Kallax shelving that is dedicated to their treasures. When the box is full, they can go through their treasures and rearrange or reduce to make room for more.

But apart from these personal spaces, the rest of the inside is pretty much my responsibility.

That’s a lot of stuff. And it is easier to keep track of less stuff.

So let’s talk decluttering.

A friend’s sister transformed from hoarder to free spirit by following Marie Kondo’s Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. To summarize: take everything in your house in a category (all spatulas), pick up each one of them, one by one, and ask, “Do I love this?”

If not, let it go.

The key is to hold the item and actually think about it for a moment. Keep what you like. Release the rest.

This precise method stressed me out. But I found that if I took everything out of a single drawer, and asked about each item, “Is this useful? Do I think it is beautiful?” that was clarifying. Because I don’t “love” all my rubber scrapers, but I do use them all, and I am glad they are in my life.

When I looked at the children’s play things, there were games that I would not dream of giving away, because they are used and loved. But there were games and toys that I don’t remember the boys playing with in the last six months. Those I boxed up and moved to the shed. If no one asks about them in six months . . . away they go.

The single best line on decluttering that I heard was this: “If you wonder if you could get rid of something, you probably can.”

Because I don’t wonder if I should get rid of my wedding ring, or my stockpot, or my plates. I use them all. I don’t even wonder if I should get rid of them—of course not!

For me, this was clarifying. If I wonder if I could let it go, I usually did.

It took me several months go go through my house, working on a drawer or shelf per day. Or even a small section of a drawer.

This is not a quick fix. My sister and I did her whole house together one week, and we figured it was a solid 40 hours. Most likely, you don’t have 40 hours in a week to spend decluttering.

But you maybe could do 15 minutes a day for the foreseeable future.

And once you start decluttering, clean-up goes much, much faster.

Not that you need one more thing to do. But you might find, as I did, that the mental space gained by less possessions actually energized me and made me more efficient the rest of the day.

Spend 15 minutes decluttering, and get the equivalent boost of 15 minutes. If you have the mental and emotional space, I’d commend this to you.

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Amy Lykosh
John and Sarita's oldest daughter
Second-generation Sonlighter
Homeschooling mom to five

www.sonlight.com

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Housekeeping #3: The 80/20 Rule and Housework

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You have probably heard of the 80/20 Rule. Twenty percent of effort will get you 80% of the way there. Or, basically, effort is not linear. Some effort produces an outsized effect.

In day-to-day life, you have to make choices about how to spend your time. So is there a way you can get 80% of the work done in 20% of the time?

Sometimes!

Like: make your bed and your whole room looks so much better in just a few seconds.

Like: take a box or laundry basket around and put in everything that doesn't belong in the room (all those migrating toys or school books picked up in one fell swoop). Just a few minutes to gather, and then distribute at your convenience. (There have been times I've put a box of the odds and ends into a closet for a week or two. "Convenience" is a fluid concept.)

Like: work in your own rhythms.

What does this mean?

In The Personal MBA, Josh Kaufman describes how the body has rhythms. You may have heard about the circadian rhythm, which is what makes you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.

Fascinating, though: there's also an ultradian rhythm, a shorter cycle that repeats through the day, in which your energy naturally waxes and wanes.

This means that if you feel tired at a particular time of day, you're not actually broken. Your body needs some rest and recovery. As Kaufman says: "Taking a break isn't a sign of laziness or weakness—it's a recognition of a fundamental human need" (289).

How to use the ultradian rhythm to your advantage?

Kaufamn recommends that you pay attention to your body. Note when you're more energetic, and when you're less. (A little self-awareness can go a long way.)

When you're in a peak cycle, plan to work hard. Do math with the children, do the dishes, whatever it may be.

And when you're in a down period, let your body recover. Take a nap. Do the Read-Alouds. Take a walk when the weather is good. When you rest when your body wishes, you can get more done on the next up cycle.

How does this apply to housekeeping?

Here's an example from my life. I know that for me, the ideal of "I go to bed with a clean kitchen" is mentally right up there next to "And I don't murder or commit adultery." And so then I can feel really distressed if I go to bed with a dirty kitchen.

Sure, maybe I homeschooled all day, dealt with character issues in a couple of children, prepared three meals and some snacks, enjoyed my husband's company . . . but that messy kitchen. Despite all the wins, I feel like a failure.

But that's my own construct! Especially if my husband isn't bothered or inconvenienced, I can do the dishes when I am ready to do the dishes!

For me, once dinner is over, I am mentally and emotionally done. I like to spend my evenings reading to the boys, writing, reading for myself.

In the morning, I find it less daunting to get the dishes done. (Or, let's be honest, to do some dishes, even if they aren't done). Doing the dishes in the morning feels like a minor inconvenience, instead of an impossible challenge.

I am content with this pattern. It fits my life.

Make housekeeping fit your life, too.

And, by the way: it is much easier to keep a clean house when the children are old enough to help! When my oldest hit their teens, we could all work together to get the house clean in just a couple of hours on Saturday. No big deal! But when I had only young children—I had little tornados stirring up messes, and very little help in putting things back.

If that's your season right now, realize that this is, truly, just a season, and it won't last for long. This is both a promise (this, too, shall pass!) and a caution (treasure today!).

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Amy's pic

Amy Lykosh
John and Sarita's oldest daughter
Second-generation Sonlighter
Homeschooling mom to five

www.sonlight.com

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Housekeeping #2: The two top housekeeping priorities

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I had a friend whose priority was to keep all horizontal surfaces clean. Visually, it is amazing to accomplish that! But it is also very time-consuming, and difficult to maintain. If you have even one thing on a surface, it messes it all up.

So that is not my priority.

No, my top two are more practical.

If you don't change the sheets one week, you can still go to sleep that night. But if you don't do the laundry, at some point, you will all be naked.

If you don't clean the bathroom, all will still use it. But if you don't clean the kitchen, at some point, you won't be able to prepare food.

The two housekeeping priorities, thus, are the two things that must be done because the household eventually stops if they are left undone: kitchen clean-up and laundry.

Now I have heard of people who ran to buy new undies in order to avoid doing laundry. If you're a college student trying to finish a semester, maybe that works for you. But usually, it is better to just stay on top of it.

If you know you have about a load of laundry a day, probably your best bet is to start it first thing in the morning (when you make coffee?).

Have a hard time folding laundry? You might consider IKEA Kallax shelving with containers for your children's undies, shirts, pants and skirts. No folding, easy access to put away and take out, no risk of tipping dressers.

Or you might train your children to take responsibility for their clothes.

Or you might multitask as you talk to your spouse.

Or you might try the Little House method of fewer clothes, worn more days in a row, in order to reduce laundry needs.

You have options.

And if the kitchen is your challenge, here, too, you have options. You might use paper plates and compost them when finished. Easy clean up.

You might train your children to clean the kitchen, or multitask when you talk to your spouse.

You might try cooking twice as much food for dinner, so that you only have to do so half as often.

Here again, you have options.

But if you spend the bulk of your cleaning time on the laundry and the kitchen, your home, overall, will run more smoothly.

And do have your children help. They help form the mess. They can help clean up the mess.

If you're finding housekeeping a challenge, I suggest that, for a season, you slow your cleaning cycle of dusting, floors, bathroom, and sheets, in order to focus on the kitchen and the clothes.

Hopefully you will either figure out systems to get those in reasonably good order, or your children will get old enough to help take over these tasks.

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Amy's pic

Amy Lykosh
John and Sarita's oldest daughter
Second-generation Sonlighter
Homeschooling mom to five

P.S. One suggestion I hear repeatedly is this: hire out the house cleaning once a week. If you can find a reliable person to come and spend two to four hours cleaning your house, you will feel like a fairy godmother descends.

If you homeschool, you are a working mom. Depending on the needs of your home and family, it can be money well-spent. I have friends who are incredibly grateful for this boost.

Not practical or possible for everyone, I know.

P.P.S. Summer Readers make a great reward for helpful children. Pick your discounted books here.

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Housekeeping #1

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Over the years, this is one of the main questions that comes up for all homeschoolers: how do you manage to keep up with the housework?

There are some capital-intensive answers, like get a Roomba or hire outside help.

There are time-intensive answers, like shine your sink every night, or have everyone in the family spend 30 minutes cleaning, every day.

And there are education-intensive answers, like read books X, Y, and Z, and put the instruction into practice.

This week I'll be sending five messages on what I have found to be the most helpful regarding housework, with the first message below. (And, for the record, I don't have a Roomba.)

#1: Keep history in mind.

I am not a history scholar, so don't take this as an exhaustive study of housekeeping through the ages.

But if you think about the reading you may have done, from "Little House on the Prairie" or "In Grandma's Attic": in the 1800s, it was not uncommon for people to have one set of clothes for the week, and one for Sunday.

So, yes, we have the modern convenience of a washer and dryer. But we have, literally, many times the number of clothes as our ancestors.

And do you remember what children used to get for Christmas? An orange. A small sack of candy. A rag doll.

So, yes, we have the convenience of a vacuum so we don't have to beat out a rug each spring. But before we can access the rug, we have, literally, many times the number of toys to pick up.

If you have one flush toilet, your home is more fancy than most in 1900. And that means you have more surfaces to clean.

I could go on. The home my husband's grandma lived in was less than 1000 square feet. And there were seven children.

One friend pointed out that other cultures view hired help as almost a civic duty. "I have the money to help out this family, and they help me out in taking care of my home." Hired help was not uncommon, whether through indentured servants, hired girls, nurses, and so on.

Which is to say: yes, most homes have modern servants called "dishwasher," "washing machine," and "vacuum."

But most homes also have distinctly modern challenges:

  • Larger number of square feet
  • Larger number of possessions
  • Larger number of clothes

And, especially, the Martha Stewart effect: large numbers of photos of beautiful homes on blogs and social media, so that you can always be reminded of how good "everyone else" is at housekeeping and decorating.

This is not an answer to the housekeeping problem. This is just stating why the problem may seem overwhelming.

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Amy Lykosh
John and Sarita's oldest daughter
Second-generation Sonlighter
Homeschooling mom to five

www.sonlight.com

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Learning Doesn't End at Graduation

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There are days when I look back with longing at the days when we were homeschooling, and wish for those days again. Especially when the current part of my journey is difficult. Surely it was "easier" in those days! The grass is always greener ... right?

What struck me especially the other day, as I observed my now grown children wrestling with their own trials and decisions, is that I am blessed to watch the fruits of our homeschooling play out in their lives.

I remember how often, in those long days of parenting and homeschooling, that I would wonder if I was making any lasting impact at all. Were they getting it? Were there "holes" in what I was teaching them? Was I failing them?

The answer was, of course there were holes! And yes, I definitely did fail them ... many times. But let me tell you about the view from this spot on the path.

  • All those concerns about the ones who struggled with Math? They are all holding jobs, balancing their checkbooks, and not getting cheated at the checkout counter. If their jobs have required some aspect of working with numbers that they didn't master at our kitchen table, they've figured it out and learned as they go.
  • All the worries about the one who was a late reader? He's now an intelligent, well-spoken young adult who is planning to get married soon. Does he love to read today? No, it's not a passion of his. But he is a good reader and has no difficulty learning what he needs to learn by finding an appropriate article or publication to read.
  • And the one who wrestled her way through Chemistry? She's a married, happy mama to our grandson, and performs Chemistry every day in her kitchen as she practices her love for cooking for her family.

More importantly than even the academics we covered in our homeschool, were the character qualities we tried to instill in their young lives. Just like everyone else, we battled apathy, lack of motivation, and poor attitudes along the way. And those were just my issues! But watching my kids today, as they demonstrate tenacity, loyalty, and courage in the face of the various challenges that life has to offer, I am again convinced that heart training was even more important than drilling addition facts.

Lest I paint too pretty a picture, let me be honest. They would be the first to admit they are not "perfect" (nor is their mother). But the foundation we were privileged to lay has given them a desire to keep learning, and the knowledge that we are some of their greatest cheerleaders.

So as you consider and plan for yet another school year, let me encourage you to see this year with "future vision". As you wrestle with the daily struggles of parenting and educating your children, don't lose sight of the bigger, long-term picture. And remember ... your children's learning won't end at graduation ...

Still on the journey ...
~Judy Wnuk
Homeschool mom and student of life

 

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