Socialization is a word that we homeschoolers often come to dread, probably because it’s the focus of much criticism for our chosen educational philosophy. There’s probably not a single homeschooler out there who hasn’t heard, “But what about socialization?”
still remember the summer when we first decided to homeschool our children. It was already a tough decision to make, and on top of that, a handful of our fellow church members at the time felt compelled to tell us about “all the socialization issues that homeschoolers had.” It was always a story about a cousin’s best friend’s daughter’s neighbor who was homeschooled and grew up to be socially awkward.
I remember feeling so defeated before we had even started our first lessons! Thankfully, I quickly realized that most of these stories were pretty outlandish and probably weren’t actually accurate. I also realized that I probably should avoid conversations with total strangers about my children’s education. Lesson learned!
Often, I’ve also found myself wondering what would happen if I replied, “What is your definition of socialization?” I have to ponder whether they would even truly know what they were asking me.
Many weeks ago, I was at my son’s basketball game. It was a pretty exciting moment in the game, and I happened to look over at the student section to see what I thought was a peculiar sight. All that I could see from my vantage point was the tops of heads, each one hunched over a personal screen. Occasionally, the teen would share their smart phone with another student for a few seconds, but soon enough, they would go right back to staring at the screen. I doubt most of those students watched even half of the game.
As I looked around, I realized that the adults in the building weren’t faring much better. Many of us were also hunched over our screens, oblivious to the excitement happening around us. I don’t think socialization is a homeschool problem. I think it’s a societal problem that we all need to address. This brings me to the bigger question that we all need to examine: What is socialization?
1. Socialization is Learning Common Courtesies and Social Norms
By Webster’s definition, socialization is “the activity of mixing socially with others” or “the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.
Oddly enough, the example sentence in the online dictionary says, “Preschool starts the process of socialization.”
Does it?
I would argue that socialization begins much earlier, and it begins in the home.
- Every time I make eye contact with my new baby, I’m passing on social norms.
- When my toddler snatches a toy from another child and I reprimand the rude behavior, I’m teaching social norms.
- When they demand help, and I require them to repeat their request in question form with a please attached, I’m teaching social norms.
To be quite honest, I would very much dislike the thought that my child has to wait until preschool to be taught socialization skills from a room full of three-year-olds!
On the flip side, a parent who is rude to an elderly person has taught their child that our culture doesn’t value the elderly. A parent who regularly curses their child has taught that child that cursing is part of daily communication.
When we wait for school to allow other children or even other adults to socialize our children, we are basically handing over a God-given, essential task of parenting. We are saying to these youngsters and their teachers, “Hey, whatever set of values you have are probably good enough, so teach those to my child.”
No thank you. Socialization begins at home.
2. Socialization is the Ability to Hold Conversations Across Generations
Socialization is not confined to how good you are at conversing with people in your own age bracket. The definition of socialization is to learn to behave in a way that is acceptable to society. It doesn’t come with any caveat about which demographic of society you have to work with.
We make a huge mistake when we dismiss inter-generational social skills. Wisdom comes from age, and if we don’t draw wisdom from the older generation, then we certainly cannot claim to be socialized. Children need to be able to hold conversation across multiple generations. They need to be as comfortable with a fellow teenager as they are with a elderly woman or a toddler. Being socialized means valuing every life at every stage.
3. Socialization is Becoming a Productive Citizen
We all desire for our children to grow up to be productive citizens. We want our children to be able to get a job and support themselves and their future family. We want them to become leaders within their community, displaying the fruit of the Spirit on a daily basis. With that in mind, it is our job to help our child become a productive citizen, teaching them these skills.
Socialization includes being servant-hearted, asking "How can I help?" This branch of socialization is taught every time you take a casserole to a sick person or every time you volunteer your time for a church or community project. It is taught every time you stop school to pray for someone or to go help your neighbor mow their yard. Socialization is inconveniently pausing your life to make someone else’s better.
4. Socialization is Having the Courage to Be a Stranger in This World
This world is not my home. It’s a line that I repeat to myself often. As Christians, we are simply Pilgrims in a foreign land, passing through and striving to glorify God, while longing for the day that we can truly say, “I’m home.”
Sometimes this world looks so weird to me, and even in the comfort of my own earthly home, I still find myself feeling out of place. So much of what I see playing out in our society is so far from the good work that God began in creation. It’s such a difficult reality at times, holding the tension between living in the world, yet not being of the world. It takes courage.
Socializing our children means teaching them to live in that tension alongside us. It means instilling the courage it takes to stand up for what is right and good, while still loving people well. This is something that public schools can’t teach our children because it is The Gospel. We cannot afford to passively believe that public schools are taking care of this for us because they simply can’t. The only way that this can be taught is by discipling our children in the Word and reminding them of the cost of the cross.
There is no other way to learn to love sinful people, except to daily look in the mirror and take in the gravity of our own, ugly sin, while remembering that we too, have received undeserved grace from a holy God. Any other motivation is simply a display of empty kindness, here today, and gone tomorrow.
So my question to the well-meaning people who ask about socialization becomes, “How could I possibly not socialize my child at home?”
Even parents who send their children to public schools still must take on the responsibility of socialization. We cannot hand over this task to a classroom of our child’s peers. We cannot leave it to teachers. We cannot leave it to social media. It is our task—and our privilege—to socialize our children.
Homeschooling Socialization: FAQs & Tips for Socializing Your Kids
Does Homeschooling Affect Socialization?
Of course homeschooling affects socialization. Homeschooling is a lifestyle. Therefore, it affects every facet of one’s life. However, we should ask if homeschooling negatively affects socialization? No, not in itself.
Attentive parents can easily make sure that children have ample opportunities to socialize among both their peer groups and with adults or younger children. Intentional parents will actively look for ways to get their child plugged into their community. Simply be intentional about bringing in those opportunities for your child to explore social situations and engage with others outside the home.
Are Homeschoolers Socially Awkward?
No, homeschoolers are not socially awkward. I can say that with confidence because this question speaks in generalizations. Homeschooling does not automatically produce socially awkward graduates. We must remember that our educational choices do not make a child socially competent or socially awkward. Rather, it is the culmination of life experiences that teach them how to handle themselves in social situations. Make sure that your child has the experiences he or she needs to feel confident in society.
Do Homeschool Kids Need Socialization?
I am always amazed when I visit various fast food restaurants around town. They are all so different, even though they basically provide the same service: fast food. One of the fast-food restaurants in my area is a train wreck. They are incredibly slow, rude, they are inconsiderate of the customer’s time, they rarely get your order right, and it’s usually the customer’s fault.
However, another fast food restaurant in our area is a breath of fresh air. They are perfectly pleasant, almost always getting your order perfect, and always fast no matter how many people they are serving. So, what’s the difference between the two restaurants?
Training.
One little word makes all the difference between the two food establishments. One manager clearly trains his or her workers well and it shows. The other is obviously mismanaged. Good restaurants go through scenarios that look something like this: If x happens, then do y.
All children, not just homeschoolers, need training as well. Most of us are not born knowing exactly what to do in every situation that arises. We either learn as we go, or we are blessed to have someone who cares enough to prepare us for those situations early. Every child needs socialization training and opportunities to practice it. It is not just a “homeschool thing.”
What Do Psychologists Say About Homeschooling?
There are plenty of studies on homeschooling and socialization to be found and dissected. However, in terms of socialization, I found this study by Richard G. Medlin to be quite fascinating. Medlin concludes that most studies find no negative psychological effects when comparing homeschooled children and public schooled children on the topic of socialization. In fact, in one study conducted in 1998 by R.S. Galloway which followed a group of homeschooled students and a group of public schooled students into college, Galloway concluded that homeschool students were “the leaders on campus” after finding evidence that these homeschooled students not only did well with socialization in general, but also took on much of the school’s student body leadership opportunities and responsibilities.
There are several pieces of homeschool socialization research to explore. In study after study, homeschoolers are found to be socially skilled and a benefit to society, using their out-of-the-box thinking skills and knowledge for the betterment of their community.
Are Homeschoolers Lonely?
When I was growing up, I lived on the top of a mountain where my dad worked, and it was a half-hour away from town. The only children who ever came around were my neighbors’ grandchildren who we occasionally played with. Otherwise, we were basically alone on top of Petit Jean Mountain. There were definitely times that I was lonely, but now, as an adult, I can see how those lonely days were a tremendous blessing.
We tend to think of loneliness as negative, when actually a lot of great qualities can be born from occasional lonely days. For example, I am a deep thinker. I am incredibly creative. I think outside the box. I don’t mind being alone. I can occupy myself; I am never bored. I am very empathetic toward others.
At times, homeschooling can be lonely, especially if you live in a rural area. There is a little tinge of sadness when the members of a community gather together to celebrate a football game, a graduation, or an awards assembly, and you weren’t invited.
Knowing that homeschooling can make you feel like the odd duck is why so many homeschoolers make a concerted effort to get out and make connections in their community.
While we’re considering loneliness, let’s be sure to reject the idea that public school isn’t lonely.
I’ve known plenty of children who have shared how lonely they feel at school. Loneliness is not a homeschool problem. It is a societal problem that spans all ages and all educational paths. We need to be proactive with our children, and make sure to connect them to meaningful relationships no matter their educational experience.
Are Homeschooled Students at a Disadvantage Socially?
I would actually argue that homeschooled students have a social advantage. The vast majority of children don’t have multi-generational opportunities for socializing as homeschooled children do. I believe that exposure to a wide variety of ages and people of various backgrounds makes for a wonderfully diverse social experience, and I believe that is the experience that many homeschoolers receive every day.
I think it’s much harder for students who are mostly around their own peer group to learn to socialize well outside of that peer group. Interestingly enough, when a child grows out of their student career, they will need the social skill set which allows them to socialize outside of their age group more than the skill set that allows them to socialize within their age group. Therefore, doesn’t it make sense to think of a complete socialization experience in terms of its depth rather than its width?
Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to immerse our children in an environment that’s rich with experiences across age groups and interests? Homeschooled students are able to do things (even on weekdays!) like
- use the amenities at the public library
- visit nursing homes
- volunteer at their church during the weekdays.
- play with neighbor children
- attend church events
All of these events together make a lovely social experience. Disadvantage? Absolutely not.
Tune in for a research-based presentation about the effects of homeschooling on socialization with panelists Daniel Hamlin, Professor at University of Oklahoma and David Sikkink, Professor at University of Notre Dame, along with commentator Michael McShane, Director of National Research at EdChoice.
The Final Verdict on Homeschooling and Socialization Issues
Don’t allow the socialization issue to hold you back from home education. Don’t buy into the homeschooling socialization myth. A wonderful world of socializing awaits! Go for it!
There is no substantial evidence that homeschooling hurts children socially. Raising a well-rounded child is so much more involved than simply choosing an educational path for your child. Socialization was always intended to be a family responsibility.
Fellow homeschoolers, socialization isn’t about carting our kids around to a bunch of different activities. It’s about giving them the time and space to live life alongside you. It’s about being intentional about teaching them our beliefs and values. So the next time someone asks you the dreaded question, just smile and say, “Thank you for your genuine concern, but I think we’re doing just fine!”
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