As she sobs into my chest, my arm around her, I remember the first time I thought about being there for my pregnant wife. I must have been around 12 years old. I had recently learned about how crazy, painful, and plain ridiculous the birthing process is. And I realized, in that moment, that I would have a hard time being in the room while my wife gave birth; to see her go through that pain and be able to do nothing ... that'd be terrible. I knew then, as I know now, that I'm too much of a "fixer" for that. I need to be able to help. But when it comes to bringing that kid into the world, I'd be powerless.
Fast forward a couple decades to last night.
My wife is pregnant for the second -- probably third -- time. One miscarried a few years ago at eight weeks in a horrifyingly bloody mess. It traumatized my wife but she managed to stuff that pain way, way, way down. But then, as eight weeks approached for this pregnancy, she couldn't hold it together anymore. She'd cry and couldn't sleep. She'd contain herself while friends and family were around and then melt down the moment we were alone. She was terrified it'd happen again. And so we had kept the news a secret, lest by telling others we'd jinx it (one of my wife's biggest shadow fears/beliefs).
Ten weeks.
Then someone shared the article I'm Pregnant. So Why Can't I Tell You?
I read it.
Then I sent it to my wife with the subject line: Read
She did.
And, after a few frightened hours of discussion, we started to spread the news. My little brother already knew (he's staying with us and has been an awesome support for Brittany through all of this). My little sister. Brittany's sister. Brittany's mom. My parents. A few people from church. Another friend. My older sister.
All were thrilled, elated, ecstatic.
Tiny Footprints
Then, about 8pm last night, the spotting started. At first faint and dark. Then more regular and red.
That's when I found myself holding my pregnant wife as the world collapsed around her. And I could do nothing to help bring this baby safely into the world. That was hard -- way, way, way harder than what my wild preteen imagination could construct. I was powerless, helpless, and my wife was in emotional distress.
Somewhere between 1:30 and 3am it was over.
We'd lost our second child (probably our third).
Two hours later I got up to go to work.
***
Lunch, two hours ago.
My wife came down to visit since I'm in meetings this afternoon. She's doing well. Exhausted after the last few nights of little sleep, but the grace of God and the peace of Christ is carrying her through all of this. The midwife we had selected "just happened" to be in the area and could stop by and pray with her. One of our friends came over and just hung out with her. People have been supportive and she is sensing God doing something in the background.
"This is a new beginning of something," she tells me. "I don't know what, but God's doing something."
That He is.
But what, we don't know. I'm discovering this as I keep walking into ever more crazy situations where I am powerless to do anything and must rely on the goodness of God and the redemption of Christ to make stuff happen. And since His mercies are new every morning, I'm not at all surprised that He's doing new things in us as well.
How am I? I don't know. But we're hanging in there and hanging on for the ride.
Your prayers are most welcome.
~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Pseudo-Dad
P.S. Fitting, I suppose, that this is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you haven't been keeping up with my Other Posts of Note, you can read two relevant posts here and here. And if you didn't take the time to read I'm Pregnant. So Why Can't I Tell You?, I suggest you do.
P.P.S. If you're wondering why I kept referring to our "probable third" miscarriage, we think that there was another one that initially appeared to be a "heavy flow" month but was probably another early miscarriage.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss! Be kind to yourselves as you go through a season of grieving. Lean on supportive, listening kind of friends and family. Hold onto the hope that is found in eternity and meeting those little lives. And know that each of you are being prayed for!
Blessings,
Tammy ~@~
Having lost three children at different points (early miscarriage, stillbirth at 22 weeks, and toddler--16 months), my heart breaks with yours. How many times have we questioned ourselves, wondering what we did wrong. You are not a failure as parents! I cannot promise that the immediate future will be better or easier for you guys. But I believe with you that there is hope for the eternal future.
Thank you all, so much, for your prayers and stories. I can't tell you how encouraging and -- oddly -- uplifting your words have been to me and Brittany. She said, as we read over your stories, "I don't feel like a failure now, seeing as how many other people have been through this too." So thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing!
You have blessed us greatly and we are walking in the grace of the Lord right now. Thank you for the blessings.
~Luke
You are definitely not alone. . . nothing can stop the pain, but it does ease.
http://www.themoehrings.com/index.php/2013/10/you-are-not-alone
I'm so sorry for you loss, Luke. Offering up prayers for you and your wife. Hold on to Jesus...
[…] Luke's gut wrenching post yesterday, this, which I'd written up Sunday night still excited and joyful at getting to know Luke and […]
So very sorry for your loss...I also have lost 3 babies, one at 19 weeks who died in my arms. You are right, God is doing something in you and through you. Praying that Jesus will hold you close as you grieve. He is there, He will carry you through this valley. Praying for you.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I do know how painful this is. Several years back my husband and I went through the same horrifying experience and think I had multiple losses in between that one. I too, like your wife, was so afraid of trying again. No one really understands this unless they have lived it. As I relive that experience after reading your story, my heart is aching for myself. And more importantly, my heart is aching for you and your wife. I wish I could say something that would take away the pain. I truly wish she/ you did not have to go through this. I do know God has a plan. I do know that when we cry, when we hurt, when we are devastated, He is right there. He will hold you both in His arms and carry you. My deepest prayers are with you both.
Praying for you two. Thank you for speaking on this, so many suffer this.
We have miscarried and lost a week old baby. These kinds of losses are so hard.
I have had 5 miscarriages that I know of. One in the secobd trimester, the others in the first trimester. In between it all I have a child. I know a mother who lost her child at 7-1/2 months. My brother died as a toddler. A man with two grown children cried before me as he recalled losing a child at birth. A mother, I cared for her medically fragile son, he died at 14. A woman I befriended who came to US from Africa I was with her as she lost a child at 4 months, like myself, she now has two children. It is our scariest...motherhood and fatherhood. We keep hope amidst the pain and fear that come with reality. I was told to keep it quiet too and handled all miscarriages alone accept one I saw the baby in ultrasound before my baby died.
No words, just love...
Please give B a gentle hug from me.
what a raw and real testimony! Praying that you will both know an incredible sense of God's peace and strength! ... A ray of hope... My sister has had 12+ miscarriages all early... She is currently 30 weeks pregnant! It's hard for them but they are gradually believing they will be parents soon! We waited 9 1/2 for our first son to come along! It was a hard time of trusting... God spoke to my husband in 2004 and said we would have 3 children, I found it so hard to hold onto that! In 2007 our first son arrived... We now have 3 beautiful children! God taught us so much through that time, it's painful and hard! Ultimately he has the victory and is faithful and true!! Many blessing to you and your family!
I am so very sorry for your loss. I miscarried 5 years ago and I am still trying to wade through the grief. I appreciate you sharing your heart with us. I think this pain is something people don't talk about
enough. I appreciate your courage and transparency to do so. Praying for you and your wife. My heart aches for you both.
I'm so very sorry. I have no words, but will be praying lots.
My heart aches for you and Brittany. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh Luke! So very sorry to hear the pain you've both been going through. I know the pain of miscarriage and it's awful, traumatic and sad. I'm praying for you both now and the future little one/s - that the Lord will grant you both the joy of a growing family.
Ooh Luke! And Brittany! What pain. I hurt with you and pray for comfort for both of you! As well as understanding, in time, of what the Lord is doing in all of this. May He bless and keep you in His peace, particularly now. You are not alone!
So devastated for you. :(
My heart aches for you both....for the family. We are praying for you all.
I know from experience that a parent would take just about any pain upon themselves to prevent their child from going through it. The 2 of you weren't given that choice and all you are left with is pain. I know that in God's plan it isn't wasted or unnecessary. You may not know why until you are in heaven, but your child's life was not lived in vain.
Luke I'm so sorry for your loss(es).
Yeshua grant peace in the midst of their trials L-rd please open to them your heart for them, your peace and your comfort. These things are never easy, and sorrow is never pleasant, but L-rd we know your plan is perfect, and you hold their beautiful babies with you. In the name of Yeshua ha Meshiach Amen
Mike and I will be praying for you both! Can't believe it's been almost 15 years since I last heard anything about you and just happened to stumble on this post. I pray that Yeshua will bring you peace and rest!
The Notz Family
ugh. i'm sitting here crying tears for your wife, and for you. my husband and i have lost 2 precious babies this year . . . it's such an awful path to walk. i have no other words . . . only promises for prayer for your precious family.
"safe in the arms of God" (maccarthur) was a huge blessing to me as i grieved and wondered and mourned our precious baby boy lost at almost 14 weeks. and read again when we lost another baby in june.
and you are NOT a pseudo-dad . . . you and your wife have 3 precious blessings in heaven.
I am praying for you both now...hugs. Thank you for sharing this.
Continued prayers. God has an awesome plan for you.
Praying for you.
I'm so sorry you and your wife are experiencing this sad loss. I can attest to God's goodness and his desire to give you a hope and a future, but sometimes the path is hard and marked with suffering. After four miscarriages in 17 years, we have been blessed five times by adoption. There is still pain and sadness for our children in the loss of their biological history, as well, but out of all the ashes God has brought forth a beautiful family. I pray he blesses you beyond what you can ask or imagine. In the meantime, may you find comfort in Him.
I'm do sorry. We too have lost two babies to miscarriage. We love Sonlight (we're in year two) and appreciate you and your family so much! Prayers for you and your wife.
Thank you for posting this. I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand. I had my third loss this month as well, and had to finish a major paper for my Bachelor's Degree while I was losing it. The loss was completed by the following afternoon. I'm sorry. I understand. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
Hi Luke, I'm so sorry for you and your wife's loss. We have lost 5 babies, have 5 here with us and are expecting our sixth in March. Like your wife, I miscarry early. Its so hard and there is always a sense of loss. No platitudes to offer. We will be praying for you, your wife & family and for you little ones.
I am so sorry. I had three miscarriages as well. Give yourselves permission to grieve and honor your babies that were born to heaven instead of your arms. It helped me to name our little souls and my husband and I also bought a ring that I always wear. I am praying for you this moment.
Luke - I know this pain personally and it's awful. You've walked such an agonizing path - so many losses.
I can tell you that all of our infertility and pregnancy loss experiences of grief have ultimately been well utilized by our Lord in our path as adoptive parents facilitating our son's grief process.
God goes before you.
And, he goes before me every day in continuing to help me navigate the grief inherent in the suffering to which he has called my son.
Just wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm praying for you and your wife.
So sorry for your loss. Thinking of and praying for you and yours. --Ken
So sorry to hear of your loss. We lost 8 babies to miscarriage. We didn't usually tell until the "magic date" was past. But the support and prayers of others definitely override all the "I heard you were pregnant. Did you have a girl or boy? How old is it?" questions.
God's peace to you and your wife.
So very sorry. We too lost one in early pregnancy. It is not an easy road but the Lord showed me joy in the midst of sorrow. Praying for you both as you grieve and as you seek to see the Lord's loving hand in this.
Unfortunately I can relate. So very painful. I've suffered 3 miscarriages myself. Darkest, hardest times of my life. But I can also relate to God being very present, very faithful, very much there to walk with me during those darkest of days. Hang in there... and grieve TOGETHER.
Luke, I am praying for both of you. My husband and I have lost five little ones to miscarriage. The love and prayers of our family and friends got us through some of the darkest days of our lives. Telling the world is hard, but I think not telling would be harder.
Oh my heart goes out to you both and we are so so sorry for your pain... You are in our prayers, we too have felt this grief and we are thinking of you and your family at this time.
I am so terribly sorry and grieve with you. I pray for both of you and your families and pray that you will soon see what God is doing. Sometimes life is just so terribly hard.