"God caused Columbine to happen. He is Sovereign, so don't think for a minute He wasn't behind this. He has a bigger plan."

It had been a few weeks since the incident. I was at a park not far from the campus attending a benefit concert for the families of those who had lost loved ones in the shooting.

I turned to one of my friends, "You've got to be kidding me. Did he just say that?"

Bad theology leads to very bad things.

Or, at the very least, statements that aren't very helpful. Now, I have a Minor in Bible. I grew up in the church. I was in Awana for a long while. I attended Bible studies and all that. I've been reading my Bible regularly since sometime early on in high school. But I don't have a degree in theology.

So what have I noticed most influenced my views on God and how He interacts with the world?

It wasn't my group leaders, pastors or professors--though I'm sure they were part of it.
It wasn't my friends.
It wasn't my family.
It wasn't reading my Bible--though that foundation, I pray, helps keep me solid.
It wasn't even my experience--though that has tainted some of my views and raised some significant questions.
It wasn't my Bible college texts.

What shaped my theology the most were the biographies we read as part of Sonlight. Why? Because these are real people living their real lives before a real God. Biblical interpretation is one thing, but practical outplay over history is another. And that's why Scripture--as part of that history--is so important to consider as well.

The debate about a woman's role in the church is quickly shown to be shallow when compared to the lives of great female missionaries. The nature of faith is tested in the lives of those who rested solely on God's provision. The goodness of God is pulled into perspective when seen in the light of martyrs. The love of Christ is demonstrated most clearly in the joy of those who find Him.

Yet, like all subjects, I don't have a complete understanding of theology. The pieces I've assembled over time through literature and study are incomplete. I can't help my best friend figure out hope. I can't seem to walk in the path of "the New Man." I don't understand why God would refuse to work through a willing servant to save others.

I wouldn't be surprised if your theology was significantly shaped by the stories you listen to as well. Which is why it is so important to consider what you take in. Read stories from people you'd like to emulate. ...but do more than that too. Strive to hear stories from other sides. Without a little dissension you can't really wrestle with the hard questions.

And wrestle we did in my house.

I'm grateful to my parents--and few professors--who presented the tensions and struggles of theology to me as we read biographies and discussed history. It's an important aspect of humility and a learner's heart.

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

"I think I know why she did it," she whispers into my ear.

"Huh?" I look at the clock. It's well after midnight. I'd been asleep.

My wife scoots a little closer to me, glad I'm awake. "I can't sleep. I think I know why she got back on the potty right before bath. She's like you: She's a routine person and she always goes potty before bath."

"Huh." I pretend I don't care. I need to go back to sleep. Thinking about it would hurt too much. And, besides, I don't have a good response.

'Maybe I'll blog about this tomorrow,' I tell myself as I drift off to sleep, leaving my wife to her thoughts.

***

Six hours earlier the older child had just finished going potty. She got off to get ready for the coming bath. I started the water and she ran back into the bathroom. Her sister was heading in and looked like she might need to go.

"I need to go potty," the older one said.

I eye her suspiciously. She has a history of claiming to need to go potty when she really is just trying to kill time or stall. On top of this, her sister is walking a little cross-legged, which isn't a good sign. But the older one is already back on the pot. Guess I'll wait and see.

And wait we do as the steam slowly fills the bathroom along with the chatter of two excited little girls.

I'm waiting. There's no way she's going to go again. My suspicious are confirmed:

"All my pee-pees are out!" she proudly announces.

I'm furious. We've been working with her on this. We've been trying to communicate that she needs to tell the truth, that this is unacceptable behavior. On top of that, her sister looked more than a little uncomfortable waiting for her to finish the business she didn't need to do.

***

I've heard it said that the things we hate the most in others are the very things we do. And if it's true that she got back on the potty because of our routine, then all my assumptions and frustrations were unfounded.

The possibility brings tears to my eyes. The possibility that she and I are too much alike and, because of that frustrating fact, I couldn't see what was happening. I couldn't help her and encourage her to become a little more open to change. I was too busy focusing on what I was sure was going on that I might have missed a glimpse into who she is.

It's a good thing I have a wife who can look at both of us and see the similarities.

Some days the wife and kids teach me more about myself than I could possibly offer them: I'm a pretty poor husband and surrogate father. How many more times do I need to climb onto the proverbial potty before I get that out of my system?

Homeschooling, it's not just for the kids. I've still got a lot to learn as well.

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

We wake the girls up for our new Friday morning routine and discover that both had thrown up on their pillows in the middle of the night. The good blogger that I am, I thought about snapping a picture.

The good blogger that I am, I decided against it and took the sheets down to be washed instead.

Laundry

My morning had started five hours earlier when I woke up with the distinct impression that I needed to throw up. So I headed to the bathroom. I didn't, but those thirty minutes "on the pot" weren't all that pleasant; I would have preferred to have been happily sleeping.

Things weren't going well and it wasn't even 7:30 yet.

Then, I got a call at about 9:00 telling me that the main line of my house had clogged and water was filling the laundry room.

Fantastic.

It's been a long and rather frustrating day.

Oddly enough, this is a benefit of homeschooling: Our kids get to experience life in the real world. They get a genuine experience. They see us at our best and our worst. We get to introduce them to the Plumber and explain how he helped fix the toilet so we can flush it again. They see us rip off the sheets in frustration to then tromp off to the basement. They get the good and the bad.

Sunday school teachers, instructors, coaches, anyone in a professional or paraprofessional leadership role will tend to present the world as stable and under control. In fact, this is such a common experience the two exceptions I've encountered in my life stand out in stark contrast. And while this professionalism is essential to a public situation, that's not where most of us need improvement. We're all pretty good at behaving in public.

Homeschooling allows our children to learn from how we handle stress, frustration and disappointment. They go through the experiences with us and learn how to cope. Sobering thoughts for those of us still in the process of learning how to roll with life's punches.

I'm writing this post to remind myself that even days that start off not so well are excellent opportunities for me and my children to learn and grow together. And if it turns out that your three month long project in the basement wasn't ruined, you had a coupon for half off the plumbing service and you were taken out to dinner by some friends, perhaps it's important to celebrate the blessings of life as well. I'm not nearly grateful enough because I'm too often focused on dealing with the things that went wrong.

So, here I am, at the end of one of those days sitting back and thinking, "Life is good."

How's yours?

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

You're busy.

My wife is busy too. We're having guests arrive four hours earlier than anticipated so she's probably pretty active at the moment making the house ready. And that's on top of the things she normally does like, you know, tend to the children, make meals and all that.

You may not have guests showing up, but I'm sure your life has it's own unexpected twists. Even without those, you're plenty busy. And if you're anything like me, every once in a while you lose the ability to determine the most important things to focus on. I have so many pressing items on my schedule I seem incapable of completing any of them. Worse still, many of them have wait times associated with them, so I can't even "just do it a minute" and be done with it.

And in these moments do we really care about eschatology? My world already feels like it's falling apart, I don't care when the Tribulation is supposed to hit!
Hermeneutics? A child is trying to tell me something from the bathroom, I need to investigate that first.
Age of the Earth? Today already feels like a contradiction: I've only had ten minutes to do anything but I feel like I've been doing it for a million years!

I could go on, but you're busy.

As finite creatures we have to make priorities. We must pick our battles. And some days, our priorities require that we forgo participating in even our pet conflicts.

I'm not saying that the things listed above--or the numerous other topics like organic food, abortion, pollution, politics, evangelism, etc--aren't important. But for the time being, your time may be needed elsewhere.

Where?

Only you know that. But if you're having trouble focusing, perhaps it's time to remind yourself of your homeschool goals and work from there.

I need to work out my priorities as well. I think it would help me tremendously.

If only I could find the time...

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

...well, my branch of it, at least.

For those of you just joining us, let me catch you up:

• My wife and I are in the process of adopting three children. Two years into the process...
• In the meantime, we're pseudo-fostering two girls.
• We're doing Sonlight P3/4 with them.

And that's pretty much the last I've said of it.

Until now.

My good bloggy friend Mrs. C emailed me and asked how things were going. And while I'm still going to email you back with specifics, Mrs. C, I thought it'd be a good idea to post an update here.

First things first: The girls really like the Sonlight stories. They currently love Go, Dog, Go! and will often ask me if I like their hat. I once got it wrong by saying I did like it, not realizing I was supposed to not like it three more times. It's also not uncommon to hear, "Go! The light is green now!" as they run laps around the coffee table.

Second, we've received a few new pictures of our kids in Kyrgyzstan. Unfortunately, due to adoption law, I can't share them with you until the adoption goes through. And, near as we can tell, it's still just as stuck as it was over a year ago when the clog stopped up the pipe.

Third, the life of pseudo-fostering continues to be hard. Your prayers are much appreciated. However, Brittany and I recently decided to make conscious efforts to accept that the girls are part of the family. Not that they weren't accepted before, but that we hadn't yet consciously moved out of babysitting mode. It was exhausting to always be "watching" them. As we try to relearn how to go about our lives, now with children underfoot, we are trying to figure out how to incorporate them into what we do rather than waiting for them to go down for a nap before we start doing chores. Writing that makes it sound so obvious that we should have done that from day one. But some of us are just slow, I guess. Especially since we're still figuring it out...

There's more to say, I'm sure, but I've run out of steam. I think my emotional regulator just kicked in and shut off oxygen to my brain, ceasing all thought.

I'd be happy to answer any questions you have, or provide more details for anything you're interested in. Please just leave a comment and I'll try to get to it. If you have no questions, that's fine: I would absolutely appreciate your prayers.

Thanks!

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

Last month I mentioned that our old logo had been removed from the building.

Today the new logo was installed:

A Work in Progress

A Few of the Pieces

Sonlight's New Logo

Pretty cool...

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father