I'm an Evil Man

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...I'm also into cats.*

We left the house at 6:30 this morning to go get fingerprinted for the FBI so we can move forward with this adoption process. That gave us an hour to get to our appointment.

And then we hit traffic. At 6:35.


For the next twenty minutes we slowly inched our way forward. It was like driving on the 5. I kept telling my wife that I left California for a reason.

It would be cool to be able to tell you all that I kept my cool. I mean, we only had an appointment for the three of us--my best friend had to get printed too, and he had work to get to--and if we missed this appointment it would be two weeks before we could try again. And I hate driving. And the trip was supposed to take 35-45 minutes as it was, so this 20 minute parking lot was cutting it close. And I tend to get lost if I haven't been to a place before, so I needed the extra time that was quickly ticking away.

I didn't keep my cool.

I lost it.

This adoption stuff is killer. Brittany's stressed out too, and that only adds to my stress. It ain't pretty. And it wasn't pretty in the car.

And the three car pileup that had blocked three lanes of traffic wasn't pretty either. But by then, I didn't care. Whoever had caused that accident had also interfered with my adoption, and the lives of the hundreds of other people stuck in traffic that morning as well, not to mention any fatalities. People were in my way, and there are few things in life as annoying as people who are in my way.

To make it worse, all these people were potentially pushing back my adoption date even further. Get between me and my kids? I'm not going to be happy with you.

And I wasn't happy.

When I finally got to work my blood pressure was up, and and my feathers were ruffled. And then I read Judy's post...

[insert you reading her post now]

I wish I was there. I do.

But I'm not. Not by a long shot.

We made it to the appointment on time, we got through everything really quickly, and I'm pretty sure my friend got to work in plenty of time. So, to add salt to the wound: It all worked out beautifully. Everything was great, except my attitude.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. ...because I'm an evil man.

I wish I could be a perfect husband, friend, and father, but I'm not.

The "salt" stings, but I've heard that salt helps wounds heal. And perhaps that's why God so often blesses us despite our severe lack of faith--to heal our mistrust, to teach us that He is trustworthy.

~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Expectant Father

*So obscure no one gets it. That's fine.
You'll get used to my apparently disjointed comments as well.
Or you'll roll your eyes like my wife <smile>.
If you're dying to know, Google the phrase.
You are responsible for what you watch.

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  1. Mrs. C

    Um, LOL, you should have seen how hard I FOUGHT to keep my children in the same school district boundaries. Running with petitions and everything.

    Yeah, the next year at school wasn't a good one.


    Doesn't it hurt to look foolish? I'm with you. SO glad it worked out well.

  2. Sallie

    Luke, I was praying for you today and for the adoption...

    God bless,

  3. mom

    Thanks for stopping by with the birthday wish...BUT...when I saw your name I immediately wondered how your adoption was going and had to come and take a peek. And then I landed back at Isaiah 55:8-9. Step by step and covered with His grace and love!

    Hang in there!

    Tammy ~@~
    Garden Glimpses

  4. Jennifer Sr.

    I loved the adoption date post and the 1AD entry. I struggle in the same area(not adoption, but What is God doing/thinking?!)

  5. sally apokedak

    Well, I don't know you but I had to chuckle, reading this post. I thought I was patient and even-temptered until I adopted two kids.

    You want to learn patience? Wait until after the adoption. You'll have no choice.

    Be patient with your child, they need time to explore and learn and grow.

  6. Luke

    Mrs. C, it's good to know you and to hear from you. You offer much appreciated perspective.

    Sallie, thanks so much for the prayers. We greatly appreciate them. I recently started following your blog. Thanks for commenting here!

    Tammy, thanks for the passage. It's very true, and I am so thankful for His grace.

    Jennifer, I'm glad you like my posts <smile>. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who goes through this kind of thing, and it's even better to know we can encourage one another.

    Sally, that's what I'm worried about: I'm going to be such a terrible father <wry grin>. I know this is a growth opportunity, and I hope I grow in it. I also hope to see you around the blog more often and to get to know you better on your blog as well.

    Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I'm so glad to have such good "bloggy friends" <smile>. You all make my day!


  7. risakopp

    You're just evil because you like cats! haha.....just kidding. :) I know that everyone has "been there" before.

  8. Luke

    Yes, I just wish I wasn't "there" so often. As for cats, I'll just <smile>


  9. Dana

    Yeah, that is about the way it goes. Nothing sets my temper off as quickly as traffic and all the minor annoyances that go along with going to a new place. Especially a wrong turn or two.

    I think it is because it is easier to ignore the fact that everyone else out on the road is human as well. Instead, they are just "in the way."

    And no one can hear you or see you or know that you are having a tantrum fit for a three year old.

    Except those little darlings in the back seat. Oops. :(

  10. Luke

    Dana: A kindred spirit, I just wish it was in a better way. <sheepish grin>

    You are absolutely right: I think of cars as in my way, not as the people driving them. But, truth be told, when I get really frustrated, I don't even care about the person.

    I'm grateful for grace.


  11. Farrah

    Thanks for commenting! I'll bet your kids love all those neat things you can do. Like I said, these are the important lessons we are teaching our homeschoolers. ;-)

    We just stared using Sonlight for history this year. Love reading literature aloud to my son. We are doing "Strawberry Girl." I'm enjoying trying to read it exactly how they talk.

    We have been open to adopting for years, but God has not moved us. However, as a result I am always keenly interested when someone else is adopting, so chances are good I'll be back to follow your journey.

    You know, I have been one to get upset when things aren't going smoothly. So in recent years, I have been giving myself a pep talk along the lines of, "If it were His will that this go smoothly, it would. There must be a VERY good reason why it isn't that I just don't know about. So instead of being upset, I'll try to thank Him." Believe me, it helps. :-) Then again, you are a guy, and I think men struggle with the temper thing more. I know my hubby does.


  12. Luke


    I'm glad to hear that Sonlight is working out so well for you! May that continue!

    That's a very good reminder, too: God is still in control, and He can redeem even the bad experiences.