I'm standing in the packed Guinness Storehouse after a day of sightseeing with the family. I've turned in my token for a soda because I hate the taste of alcohol and I've got this wheat sensitivity thing. The tour was interesting, though it felt more like a trip to Ikea than, say, the old Coors tours. And now I'm tired and ready to eat some dinner before heading off to bed.

There are people everywhere. The alcohol and crowds make conversations a little more boisterous than on the streets outside.

The years have robbed my memory of any specific conversations I may have noticed then. But I'm sure that in the crowded room there must have been at least one debate, discussion or disagreement. I'm sure that somewhere in that room, over the pints of dark, swirling liquid, a pair of minds were clashing. Had I been privy to the conversation, and known enough to follow along, I'm sure I would have agreed with one, then the other, then the first again.

Why? Because, unless I have a very firm belief about something, I tend to be swayed by the latest information given. Proverbs speaks of this. If you present a strong case, it sounds good to me. If you are countered with an even stronger idea, that sounds even better. Counter that again and, well...

I'll likely get to one of two points: Decide I like one side over the other--for any number of reasons--or decide that I won't figure it out for a long, long time and that the issue isn't settled. You could keep going back and forth with your friend and I would wander off to eavesdrop on another group.

And in my blog wanderings today, I came across this post. While the post itself was interesting to me--since it concerned an event held at my Alma Mater--the comments were even more noteworthy. I found myself reading along and thinking, 'Oohh! Sting!' and then, with the rebuttal, thinking, 'He's got him now!' only to read the next response.

On and on it went.

Eventually, my head was spinning as if I'd imbibed a stein or two of Guinness. It reminded me of a post I'd read just a few minutes before about why Christians get so upset by Old-Earth views. We Christians like neat and tidy answers. We like to know we're teaching our children the Truth. And all this back and forth is maddening, frustrating and more than a little intimidating. In short order we're ready for some dinner and bed.

As the social face of Sonlight, I find myself in between two groups. One side decries our science materials as lies from the Pit of Willful Ignorance, and the other side worries that we do not come down hard enough against the lies of Scientific Propaganda. Here I sit, watching the back and forth, and I'm glad for Sonlight's science programs. In fact, I'm glad for Sonlight's educational philosophy which influences all of our programs:

We're here to educate, not indoctrinate.

When people have been indoctrinated--which, sadly, some equate with education--they are unwilling to accept the possibility of tension. The facts and figures and ideas others toss their way must be shot down as lies and false. May we never get there. The fact that Jesus spent time realigning His listener's interpretation of Scripture is caution enough for me to hold my ideas with humility.

There comes a point, however, where we must--for the time being--decide where we stand today. We like a particular side--for any number of reasons--and that's where we stand. The issue may not be settled yet, but we're happy where we are.

May we always seek the Truth. May we always be open to learning more. And may we rest peacefully where we are with an open ear to the two sides of the conversation around us. Because, if we are always willing to learn, we will find the Truth. ...it just may take a little longer than we'd wish. The good news is that, as Sonlighters, we've got our whole lives to learn.

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

My pulse skyrockets.

I can feel my heart beating in the glands under my jaw. I'm ready to take on the world if it came after me. I feel attacked and I'm ready to defend myself and, in so doing, take down my attacker.

...and then I pause.

I was just about to smack down a friend with The Truth which happens to have an additional +12 to Righteous Indignation and a chance on crit to deal 6 snark damage. Reminds me of the jokes we used to make about our Bible Thumping Jesus at Biola:

Jesus Ready to Thump You

"Respond, don't react." The maxim seeps into my consciousness. My pulse begins to slow, though my face still feels flushed. I don't want to escalate the situation. Well, I do. But only because I want to "win." But in my attempts to do so I'd merely give them reason to come back at me with The Truth--and +12 Righteous Indignation with a chance of snark. Which in turn would inspire me...

No.

I must be the mature one. I need to eat it and just let it go.

I'm here to help. I'm here to encourage. I'm here to share what is true wherever possible. But too often, far too often, I can't. For whatever the reasons I am just not on the same plane. I'm talking past the issue and missing the point. And I simply can't hear what the other is really trying to say and failing to communicate to me.

"It's their fault," I tell myself, hoping I'm right. But a major part of the problem is that I'm simply not in their shoes. I don't know what's really driving the frustration, anger, mistrust. I'm hopelessly clueless and there is little chance of them taking the time to get me up to speed because it would take too long; I'm a little slow sometimes.

It hurts me to not respond. I like responding. I love the feeling of adrenaline coursing through my system. I enjoy telling people that I'm right. It thrills me to take on the world and "win."

But there are no winners here. Not today.

I say nothing and move on.

I'm here to encourage and to help. And if that's not what I'm doing, I should probably keep my mouth shut. I like giving answers, but if it's not a real question then I'm not helping anyone by jumping in.

~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

I have a theory: Those who think they shouldn't homeschool because they couldn't be with their kids all day are right.

And wrong.

I'm no psychologist, therapist or professional child-understanding professional. I'm not even a "real dad." I'm a surrogate father and a homeschooling advocate, so take this with a grain of salt, but here's my thinking: Brittany and I have had a major breakthrough in our understanding about the girls: One of them is still totally not attached to us. And this makes it incredibly hard to do things with her.

I think I missed something in our adoption classes. We were told that attachment issues were difficult. I totally got the message that the kids would be distant, frustrating, hurtful. But I think I skipped the day they talked about how you simply wouldn't care at all about the child with whom you had not bonded.

Crying? Don't care.
Hungry? Stop complaining.
Tried? Deal with it.

In fact, my reactions have been 180° from what I've heard about parenting and seen in books about raising girls. Right now, I can't imagine a little girl of mine ever melting my heart. Can't even fathom it.

That makes me sad.

But if my theory is right, I get where those apprehensive about spending all day with their kids are coming from: They--like me--are not attached to their children. Their children--like the two I'm watching--drive them crazy more than they warm their hearts. So is it any wonder they don't want to be stuck in the same room with them for several hours a day, wrestling through school work and having to <shudder> cuddle with them on the couch?

I imagine, however, there are those of you, perfectly bonded with your children, who are shaking your heads right now. 'That's not how it should be,' you're thinking. 'Having children is such a joy! There is some much more to experience. Homeschool! Homeschool! You'll see!"

And I agree. I firmly believe that homeschooling is the best way to attach. Attaching can be painful, difficult, frustrating and a number of other negative descriptors. But being attached is how life with children should be. Society has somehow made attachment optional, so you may be experiencing the same kind of issues those of us in the foster/adoption track struggle through. But on the other side, I'm told, life is great.

Are you up for it? Because if you are not attached with your children, you absolutely should homeschool. You'd have the opportunity to do things like:

Read Green Eggs and Ham Together

Build with Blocks

"Opportunity?"

I realize it doesn't feel like an opportunity. "Torture" may seem more like it. Many times I know I don't feel like reading to the girls.

Still, do I want to go through life avoiding my children?

No.

And so I do the responsible thing and I read, I play, I spend time. And I'm hoping that eventually we'll bond and everything I've been told about the wonders and joys of parenting will become true.

I hope, as I take another bite out of parenting, to one day discover that:

Say!
I like green eggs and ham my chil-der-en!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!

I do so like my chil-der-en!

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

I shift my weight onto my elbows again. I'm sprawled in my younger sister's living room chatting with my older sister and wife. It's pushing past midnight.

We've been discussing adoption, surrogate parenting and the struggles, frustrations, concerns and confusion we have already encountered on this journey. And we look toward the future. Painfully, however, the future is even less certain, less known, and full of more conflict and the persistent fog of war.

"I don't even want to go there," I say, trying to find a comfortable way to support my weight on the floor.

The women around me nod.

Half an hour later, as we start the drive home, my wife says, "I know we stayed late, but I wanted you to be able to talk with your sister. You don't get to do that much."

I don't.

But we have a bond that, while not incredibly close, allows us to chat late into the night about the ups and downs of life. We can laugh over dinner. We enjoy being together.

Homeschooling didn't create that bond. My older sister, four years my senior, was always in a radically different place in life. But our family had a lifestyle influenced by homeschooling. Life was an opportunity to learn, grow and share... together. And that togetherness persists through today, just hours after we said goodbye and headed home.

So, no, homeschooling doesn't create family connection. But it is a powerful catalyst that helps foster family bonds.

~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

...I haven't even seen that movie.

I remember standing in the camera shop, feeling the sweat pool on my forehead. My hands were clammy, my stomach in knots, my heart pounding like I'd just swum a mile at Nationals. I felt sick. Hoping no one noticed how completely uncomfortable I was, I handed the man behind the counter my credit card. I was buying my first video camera.¹

I hate spending money.

I like new stuff--especially cool new technology--but I hate the process of exchanging my hard-earned pesos for goods and services. It doesn't just stress me out, it can be so bad that I feel sick. Looking over the budget at my house is never a happy time because I'm looking at what money we've spent. Ugh.

But I like making money. I love following the money line as long as it points up and I feel like I can do something about that.

You can do something about your own line. Sonlight offers two ways to share your love of homeschooling while increasing your dollar value. One comes in the form of actual dollars, the other as points you can use for Sonlight purchases (much like a credit card).

Sonlight's Affiliate Program allows you to earn money by linking from your blog/website to Sonlight. In short: We'll give you a 4% commission for sending people our way. That's a sweet deal. This is the program for you if:

• You love talking about Sonlight
• You have an active blog/site
• You're trying to make money online
• You don't mind handling financial transactions and forms in the often confusing digital realm

The Sonlight Rewards Program gives you Rewards Points which you can use toward future Sonlight purchases. You basically get a 5% kick-back in the form of Rewards Points whenever you introduce someone to Sonlight (and they get a discount on their first purchase too). This is the program for you if:

• You love talking about Sonlight
• You don't want to hassle with taxes, online forms or account activation
• You want something really easy to use

With the Rewards Program you don't even need a website or blog. We give you tools you can use to share Sonlight both online and off. The great news: You can get started right now without applying for anything, filling out anything, or wading through paperwork of any kind. You just log into your Sonlight Account and get started.

As for the Affiliate Program, we just switched to Commission Junction and so there are already over 400 people who have applied. We're working on weeding out the spam from the genuine Sonlight supporters, so this could take awhile. But I've got good news: If you really want to get started with this whole Affiliate thing, apply and then drop a line to affiliates@sonlight.com and we'll move you to the top of the list.

Sweet deal.

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

¹That purchase was probably the best investment I've ever made. I still use that camera for projects, including such famous productions as Discover & Do and MathTacular.

For those of you who actually still visit this blog proper--and don't just read the posts in an RSS reader or on Facebook--you may have noticed I added a link to Sonlight's relatively new Homeschool 101 section.

And that's nice.

Digging into Homeschool 101 reveals Sonlight's Tour of Top Homeschool Resources. And browsing that list reveals Milton Gaither's blog. And he recently posted about a February 2010 Study of Homeschooler Demographics and Achievement.

As I noted back in December of '09, these results are initially disheartening to me. Seems that even though homeschoolers rock on tests, we don't really rock any more than those who also fall into our same socio-economic brackets. In short: It's not surprising that rich white kids from stable homes do well in school, whether homeschooled or not. Mr. Gaither concludes his analysis by saying

...homeschooling doesn't make priviliged kids do worse on tests than they would have done had they gone to school. Homeschooling is no academic disadvantage. That's newsworthy enough I think.

Okay, sure.

For those who wish to regulate or remove homeschooling, this is important information. But for those of us--like me--for whom homeschooling is an almost foregone conclusion, it'd be nice to have something with a little more punch. Simply stating that homeschooling isn't bad for us isn't very impressive or inspiring.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize how right I was back in December: This actually reinforces the fact that homeschooling is a great option! And Sonlight is one of the best of these really great options. Not because your students will suddenly become smarter, more gifted, test better, achieve great things or outshine their peers (though I wish that were true too <smile>). Sonlight is one of the best options because of the very thing we guarantee:

You will love to teach and your students will love to learn with Sonlight.

Your academic statistics will be more-or-less on par with other excellent results. Sonlight won't be what makes your students succeed any more than another program or system. But Sonlight will provide you with an incredible homeschooling experience that you and your family will love.

And if all other things are equal, that's what matters the most.

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father