Lonely and Cold

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Olfactory cues are powerful things. To this day the smell of my parent's leather couch brings me back to several specific titles I read while homeschooled. Campfire smoke trapped in clothing transports me to the woods. Chlorine raises my pulse as I remember preparing to swim the mile at Nationals.

Other smells are even more naturally tied. The scent of a Christmas tree. Cookies and bread baking in the oven. The smell of snow as it approaches on the night air. Wet wool mittens as they dry.

But one smell consistently causes my eyes to well up with tears: My car's heater running at full blast.

Something about that hot, dry air rushing over my face in my frozen car reminds me of "the holidays." I don't know what it is about this time of year but I don't feel a closeness to all humanity. Instead, I feel distant, aloof, alone.

Which is crazy. I'm always with friends and family. We go the church services. We have parties. We eat, drink and are merry.

Perhaps that's the problem.

I'm an introvert and a homebody. Parties don't elevate me. "Catching up" with distant relatives feels forced. The inevitable exhausted drive home in the cold dark nights around Christmas just gets to me.

Night Drive

I love celebrating with my family. I do enjoy the opportunities and connections this time of year allows. I have a New Year's party every year at my house. So it's not that I don't like this time of year. But for whatever reason, the smell of my car's heater reminds me that I often feel lonely too.

Why so glum?

Yesterday I spent some time crafting a couple blog comments. Both have been rejected by the blog authors. One went so far as to slam me for attempting to comment.

I take my position seriously. I love interacting with people on blogs. I am thrilled when I meet a new person.

But some days, much like those cold holiday night drives, I feel alone.

Do you ever get moody near the holidays, or is it just me?

What's your favorite memory that comes back to you when you smell something?

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father

P.S. I'm not really fishing for positive comments here, but I sure do appreciate them <smile>.

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